Extremely Polite Southern Accent Customer Service Girl: “Hello, welcome to “_______.” How can I help you?”
Me: “Yeah, hi. I’m not sure how I got on your mailing list, but I’d like to be removed, please.”
EPSACSG: “Ok sir, I can do that for you, but can I ask why you’d like to not continue to be informed about our fine offerings?”
Me: “Uh, you’d like to know why I don’t want to receive your catalog?
Well, since you’re asking…to be honest, I don’t think I’m exactly your “target clientele.” You see, I live in the West, and hunt for wild birds on public lands, on foot. I’ve never been to a private $7k/week plantation lodge. In fact, I’m pretty sure that someone in a position of influence would make sure I never even made it to the front door of such an establishment.
Nor have I ever been transported from one planted bird location to another in a horse-drawn carriage. Do those things have a wet bar?
I’ve also never faced the peculiar dilemma of which sportcoat I should pack for standing around the fireplace after a day “afield,” while discussing my many and varied accomplishments in both the realm of canned hunting and finance.
Also…Are you still there?”
EPSACSG (practiced politeness eroding quickly): “I am, sir.”
Me: Great. Also, I can’t ever imagine myself in a pair of your $200 bright green jackass slacks with the embroidered Labradors and ducks on them. In fact, I would fully expect that these pants come with a clown nose, a ball gag and a pair of handcuffs. Is this true, or are these accessories extra?”
Click.
Me: “Hello? Ma’am? I still have a few more reasons I’d like to share… Hello?”
Mouthful of Feathers 
What? You don’t at least aspire to spend a week every year shooting tame birds and catching pellet-fed triploid trout?
Sometimes I wonder if the target clientele really exist and if these catalogues are just part of an elaborate practical joke… You know, like anything made with “Oil Cloth”.
You might be on to something there. Sort of a “Sky Mall” for the “I long for the days of plantations” set?
Exactly, complete with waxed cotton speedos and boxers made by Fil-Vis.
My pants only have ducks on them. You can get them with dogs too?
My pants sound like I have ducks in them….
Did you get the day rates for a gun bearer? Gulfstream compatible kennels?
Ha – good to hear from you, Ryan.
LMAO! If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’!
Damn…. Looks like I need to me get some green embroidered jackass pants to go with my clown nose, handcuffs and ball gag – better get on that Pheasant season opens this weekend in Colorado.
I was a “corporate quest” at one of those places once. Yes,
We did ride around in a “mule drawn wagon” with a black driver.
The birds were a mixture of “early release” and wild birds.
The pointers didn’t seem to know the difference.
The staff did wait on us “hand and foot”, and the burbon- – top shelf.
The killer was the painting of Stonewall Jackson on the dinning room
wall.
Would I go back ?? Probably not. It was an outdated curiosity for sure.
However, I don’t get the apparent distain for Filson in the comments.
What’s the deal with that ??
Not sure, Nick. They may be drifting into trendy, urban hipster territory with some of their catalog lately, but their core items are still some of the best USA made clothing you can, imo.
so true
Wow, good on you for making your point at the expense of making some actual working stiff uncomfortable. Wonder how much she got paid to listen to you go on about ball gags? If you want to make a point about this type of stuff go ahead but don’t slide from reverse snobbery to douchebaggery to do it. Oh yeah, that’s if the call actually happened.
Heaven forbid a little satire offends anyone’s hyper-sensitivities. And by the way, we’re all “working stiffs” here too, albeit with a sense of humor still intact.
As a friend of mine (an Eastern guy) once said to me… “Mike, you are not an Orvis Guy. You never will be.” To which I say, “Thank God for small mercies.”