My beer has been stolen. Pabst. Blue. Ribbon. It’s been stolen by the bro-bras. You know them. Nice enough guys, well-intentioned. Fun to hang out with. But the fuckers stole my beer.
My dad drank it. So I did too. Drank it for years. Chanted the famous Dennis Hopper quote: “What kind of beer do you drink? Heineken?! Fuck that shit!!! Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!!!” Thought about making the t-shirt. Didn’t. Better to just drink it.
Then I noticed everyone was drinking it. It was served in the trendiest bars in the trendiest towns. For four freakin’ dollars a can! You know the towns: the ones with good stuff on the edges like rivers and fields full of Huns. The kinds of places that sadly show up on Top Ten Outdoor Town lists. The places where people move and get the “Insert-Town-Name-Here Starter Kit.” Example, the Bozeman, Montana, starter kit is a drift boat, a Tacoma and a bird dog.
Then I overheard things like: “Bra, want to go drink some Peebers?” and “Hey bro, ‘nother PBR?” To which I thought: “WTF?”
This for a beer that won the blue ribbon in Chicago in another century. This for a beer that has been held in the calloused hands of loggers and miners and union head-crackers and oilfield trash for decades. Now poached by the New West minions and the Subaru cavalry. Alas. One of my pals, a bro-bra, even puts Clamato into his Peeber. To which I say: “WTF?”
So I’ve got a new brand. Or maybe I should say, a new old brand. Stay the fuck away from my Hamm’s. And my Oly. And my Old Milwaukee. And my Schlitz.

Sign of the times

– TR

Author: Tom Reed

Four English setters tell me what to do.

17 thoughts on “Beer”

  1. Have to admit, I’d never heard of a bro-bra before this year. McReynolds had to explain it to me.

    I’m from Oklahoma, so we don’t have any bro-bras, although we do have quite a few guys who could stand to wear one, jiggle jiggle…

  2. That sign makes me weep with joy.

    My first beer ever was a Hamm’s. And when it comes time for my last, Dog willing it will be a Hamm’s as well.

    May it never change, and may it never be co-opted by the bro-bras.

    1. Mine was a hot Schlitz, wahooed from the open garage of a neighbor who thought that rural Texas 8th-graders didn’t drink beer.

      Happy times…

  3. I love Hamm’s and PBR, still. My philosophy regarding beer is: There’s two kinds of beer, FREE and COLD. If it ain’t one, it better be the other.

    An apt subtitle for this post might be:

    “Keep your hands off my jrunk.”

  4. I don’t mind a feller dippin his hands into my cooler when out & about but by gawd you’d had better leave me at least threeor four to quench that long, dusty, unforgiving, went too damn far, thirst.

  5. How can you forget about Old Style?? Especially the drawing of the guy taking a p**s that was on the cans – standard high school drinking trivia. Right next to the $1.99/six pack Red, White and Blue beer.

  6. …no bro-bras here in Eastern Montana. I can still drink my PBR or Vitamin R with the cowboys, oil field hands and assorted locals …Ekalaka, Montana.

  7. …from the Land of Sky Blue Waters, you got love any beer that has a cartoon bear for a mascot.

    I feel your pain. I’ve been living the High Life for quite a while, but now I hear that’s trendy too. Maybe I’ll move over to the Hamm’s with you. Or Schmidt’s. And I promise not to call you bro or bra. And if you try to fist bump me, I’ll just hold my hand out until you’re shamed enough to man up and shake it.

    Keep up the good work.


  8. A PBR is a tongue’s delight, but you SOBs never tasted beer until you’ve had a bellyful of Leinenkugels or Grain Belt. Keep some aspirin close until the “rookie” wears off. You’ve been warned…

  9. I cannot claim such loyalty, but I have drank the shit out of the PBR since it became available everywhere. The PBR thing is done and gone. It’s as common as Bud and has gone up 2 bucks in 3 years for a 12er. Bro-bras, to which I may or may not be considered depending on who has the lenses trained on me, have been mainstreaming everything for as long as the first conjunction formed.
    Can’t get mad, it’s still your beer. But I feel your pain. I’m probably partially to blame for it’s onslaught.
    I like the Light. I like it with Clamato, I like it with the lime aka Pablo’s BR, and Sundays I pour some OJ in there for Beermosas, and wash out the hangdown.
    Good post my man!

  10. And here I always thought a Bro-bra was the ‘merican name for the Man-siere, providing necessary uplift for pectorally challenged men. TR, thanks for setting me straight. But, man, stay away from that PBR. Ugh. Not good beer. Better than the Bohemia (aka, Bo-hos), Hamms, Schlitz, Olympia, Great Falls Special Select, and, slightly, the Vitamin Rs and Michelobs (imports!) I consumed in my puphood, but not by much.

  11. I hope this doesn’t sting too bad, but Pabst Brewing Company owns Hamm’s, Oly, Old Milwaukee, and Schlitz.

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